I Hope Satire was Given a Good Redundancy Package

The Daily Mail is a pathetic publication, racist, sexist, ageist and the rest, and I’ve been meaning to write a blog post lambasting it for its ridiculousness. However, I’m not going to do that, I’m going to let the Daily Mail show you how stupid it is.

Someone on Facebook posted a link to an article where the daily mail claimed something could cause cancer (nice to see they savour originality). I noticed down the right hand side there were some article headlines under the title ‘Femail today’. The following are the top 55 stories sorted into categories and shortened to give you all you need to know about each headline. Bear in mind, my rephrasing of some of these actually saves the Daily Mail embarrassment.

Category one is ‘Celebrities wearing clothes at events’. Here are the stories:

  • Candice Swanepoel writhes on beach in a bikini for promo videos
  • Cara Delevingne models on catwalk
  • Sandra Bullock wears dress to promote film
  • Alexandra Richards wears a dress
  • Iggy Azalea wears shiny corset on stage
  • Supermodels wear wigs on catwalk

A normal, tabloidy start there, with pointless statements about famous people wearing clothes at public events where their clothes do often come under scrutiny. However, their casual wear shouldn’t be anywhere near the word ‘news’, as the second category, ‘Celebrities wear clothes in public’ shows:

  • Kim Kardashian wears denim, has cleavage
  • ‘The tighter the better’ – Kelly Brook wears leather trousers and tight shorts
  • David Beckham wears underwear in ad campaign
  • Angelina Jolie wears wedding ring
  • Miranda Kerr wears ‘Leather AND tartan’
  • Gwyneth Paltrow wears expensive suit
  • Karen Gillan wears tartan skirt
  • Kim Kardashian wears skirt, goes to gym
  • Tamzin Outhwaite wears tight tartan skirt
  • Amy Adams goes outside with fiancé, wearing jeans
  • Goldie Hawn wears orange outfit in Brazil

Some hard-hitting journalism there.

The third category is where celebrities break the golden rule; they show human emotions:

  • Kim Kardashian buys clothes for daughter
  • Mother plays with her child (Liam Gallagher’s love child)
  • Pamela Anderson and husband go to Paris for 6th wedding anniversary  [‘Rethinking that divorce?’ says the Mail, not content with their happiness]
  • Rita Ora and Cara Delevingne are friends, leave Chanel show together
  • Kaley Cuoco cries as sister auditions for the Voice
  • Adam Levine takes his fiancé out for a meal
  • Bradley Cooper goes swimming with his girlfriend
  • Dannii Minogue cries on X Factor after grandmother’s death
  • Jamie-Lynn Sigler holds her baby while out with fiancé
  • Kim Kardashian has picture of her daughter on her phone

One rule of being a celebrity is to take the fight club rule that little bit further and just not talk about anything, else you could be the subject of a ‘newspaper’ article, that’s right, the fourth category is ‘Celebrities talking about things’:

  • ‘Models are insecure’ – “Miranda Kerr on how she has to practice loving herself”
  • Not my best fashion accessory’ – LeAnn Rimes talks about bandages for broken hand
  • Jay-Z says he was a drug dealer
  • Rihanna says Princess Diana was “gangsta with her clothes”
  • Sharon Osbourne talks about plastic surgery
  • Heather Graham reveals ‘intimate secrets’
  • Scarlett Johansson’s SAT grades weren’t terrible

But wait! Celebrities don’t always just talk about things, sometimes they do things too! Don’t fret though; the Mail’s got those covered too:

  • Abbey Clancy has new clothing range
  • Celebrity with breast cancer gets a mastectomy
  • Sinitta volunteers to take Jeremy Kyle lie detector test
  • Susanna Reid has a tan while walking to Strictly rehearsals
  • Oprah Winfrey looks for a house in Hollywood
  • Danny Dyer joins Eastenders
  • Jodie foster dates Ellen Degeneres’ ex-girlfriend
  • Boyband member has bad haircut
  • Scantily dressed Rihanna sits on golden throne in music video
  • Simon Cowell has cut on forehead
  • Helen Hunt surfs, is toned
  • Made in Chelsea star has new clothing range
  • Justin Bieber skateboards on great wall of China

And before you accuse the Daily Mail of only caring about celebrities’ actions, they care about the important actions of non-famous people too, as clearly shown in category 6, ‘Normal people do things’:

  • X Factor finalists fly to antigua for Judges’ houses
  • Twilight fan spends £8,500 on tattoos of Robert Pattinson
  • Obese mother gets fitter around house because can’t afford gym membership

I bet you’re glad they didn’t leave those critical stories out!

Lastly, they did try to touch upon some events that could almost be considered newsish:

  • Simpsons character to be killed off
  • Miley Cyrus halloween costumes are popular
  • The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug trailer (Orlando Bloom and Evangeline Lily are lovers) [The bracketed part of that being the detail the article focuses on]
  • Liz Jones tells Tess Daly to change her stylist
  • New style book for men, telling them how to be ‘dapper’

There, don’t you feel more intelligent now? How did Buddha ever become enlightened without the Daily Mail?

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About Mark Dolan

Hello there, I'm Mark, a 21 year old English archaeology student. I write about various things; archaeology, musings on my life, and various bits of society that I have something to say about.

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