A Cacophony of Drones and Meaningless Promises
Politicians are a funny bunch aren’t they? All those funny little ex-Etonians rabbiting on about changing this, making Britain that and, in Boris’ case, playing whiff whaff across the mayoral table. They tend to say rather a lot without actually saying anything at all, but I suppose that’s what they get taught at Oxbridge. I think they’re conditioned out of knowing that some questions can be answered with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Instead they’re told to stutter and stumble nervously, shifting while they do so, before regurgitating the script their many hundreds of background writers have spat out that is vague enough to be non-committal and cyclical enough that their ending point is the same as the point they started with.
Of course, despite most of them being made from essentially the same mould, they do differ somewhat. Let’s take just a few to focus on for now, starting with the main one, David Cameron.
Dave is, inexplicably, the Prime Minister of Great Britain, and he’s amusingly stereotypical of the conservative politician, being a well-educated, posh former Etonian and Oxbridge graduate. Not that he doesn’t try to be more current and down with the kids though, he’s even on Twitter! It mostly seems like a platform through which he can receive abuse from the small-minded inarticulate future participants of The Jeremy Kyle Show. And also some justified criticism of course. Mr Cameron’s not a particularly incredible prime minister, he’s not great or terrible, he’s just kind of ok. At least if we had the funny-haired bumbler in charge, it’d be interesting.
Talking of Boris, he bucks the trend a tad. He’s not radically different as he’s still a posh private school Oxbridge graduate, but he’s got a persona. And he’s actually a very clever and qualified politician, which should really make him unpopular with the average man on the street, but this is a man who’s managed to have some power in a time when Britain doesn’t seem too Great and still remain wildly popular. Clegg couldn’t even stay popular without power. But he’s never stolen a cigar case from the president of Iran. Yes, Boris has actually done that. Of course his main appeal has nothing to do with politics whatsoever, but he’s got funny hair hasn’t he! Hahaha his hair is irregular! Let’s give him more power! More power for the funny-haired bumbling Londoner! You know all those books about a desolate, dystopian future? Well, I’m sure you can guess the leader prior to that.
Then there’s poor little Clegg.
Poor little hated, lying, perpetually disappointed Clegg, looking like a puppy that’s just left a present on the floor on his first outing at Crufts. Except people would still like the puppy because the puppy didn’t promise not to do that. The puppy would retain some dignity. Nick was the popular one before the election, the one that offered something different. That went well. Now he’s desperately clinging to the leadership of the Lib Dems, merging them with the Conservatives until the two parties have the same level of diversity as the cast of Made In Chelsea.
Now I come to Wallace, sorry, Ed, Miliband.
There’s not really a lot to say about him, he’s just sort of there. Not as good as David Miliband, only slightly more influential than the Steve Miller band. His main flaw seems to be that he looks like Wallace from Wallace and Gromit. His main attraction? He looks a bit like Wallace from Wallace and Gromit. I think he’s got some policies too, but no one seems to be paying much attention to those. They’re not overly revolutionary.
There are other sorts of politicians though; I don’t want to assert that they’re all the same. You’ve got MPs like Jacob-Reese Mogg, who’s actually quite pleasingly posh, making history when he became the politician to have used the longest word in the English language, floccinaucinihilipilification, in the House of Commons. There’s Michael Gove, who looks a bit like a fish and seems to have the memory of one too, attempting to alter the education system roughly every three seconds. And there’s Nigel Farage, a scaled-down version of Nick Griffin who’s slightly less obviously racist and popular amongst the working classes due to his penchant for a pint and a fag.
Ah, the characters of British politics. A menagerie of drones you don’t really want in charge of your country, but we’re British, so stiffen your upper lip, they’ll all be gone eventually.