Sandwiches and Vanity

If I’m not mistaken, Instagram is one of those strange internet phenomena that’s irrepressibly popular with the younger generations. It’s a place where people can showcase their photos. Other places where photography can be showcased is an art gallery, as photography can produce some of the most powerful and evocative images in the world. Your pasta bake is not one of these. Neither is your face with a phone in front of it. That’s where Instagram went wrong. From the evidence I’ve been provided with, it seems as though food and vanity are the mainstays of this well-intentioned site.

Let’s have a walk through a sample of what you can expect to find on there. Warning, these photos may incur malice, but please, no rampaging.

Number 1)

Haribo

It’s a bag of Haribo sweets. That’s all it is. Is it a brag of Haribo sweets? Look I’ve got at least £1.60 disposable income! I’m so envious of this person’s wealth! Or maybe I took that all wrong and I’m actually supposed to be envious of the sweets themselves. That’d make a marginal amount of sense, this person is clearly wanting to inform the world that they have the means to enjoy these delicious little pig fat-based morsels of sugary goodness. Good thing the internet’s a global medium, how else would Africa be aware of the extent of the first world’s gluttony?

Number 2)

Lasagna

Lasagna. It’s a complex dish, which must be why this budding David Bailey felt the need to post a modest hint at his masterful achievement. The different layers of mince, the sauce, the grated cheese, clearly this is a creation on a par with the fanciful dishes of Heston Blumenthal. Wait, maybe that’s not quite enough to put across just how special this is. Michelangelo’s David, Leonardo Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa, Mozart’s 9th Symphony, This Lasagna. What do they all share? A uniqueness, an irresistible magnetism that just brings people together in a moment of sheer awe. It’s so important to world culture that people had to be tagged so that they wouldn’t miss one of the great events of world, and possibly universal, history.

Number 3)

Chocolate

The purchasing of confectionary is no easy feat. We’ve all been there, in the shop, when confronted with a veritable smorgasbord of potentially delectable delights. You have to make the initial decision and then fight off those lingering doubts about whether you’d really prefer a Wispa before proceeding to the checkout where you must remember how much money the items you’ve picked will cost, then retrieve appropriate coinage from your currency container (be it a purse, wallet or money clip) and hand it over to the fellow human standing between you and the consumption of the teasing little sugary treats. Phew! It’s no surprise this person wanted to announce her success in this most testing of endeavours. And that black border, coupled with the slightly altered tone, just emphasises the enormity of the task undergone by this real life Indiana Jones.

Number 4)

Cookie

A cookie is exciting enough, but a cookie in a bag?! Have mercy. It looks so wonderfully cheap and disappointing! But surely I’m wrong, after all, anything with 13 sugar coated chocolate discs (I imagine they’re not actually Smarties) must be quality. But what is the significance of the bag? Is it a comment on our society, where we can see beauty and yet it is obscured by our own desire? Maybe it’s a visualisation of the unattainable perfection that could exist were we not bound by expiration dates. It’s probably absolutely meaningless, but there must be some reason for those 19 likes.

Number 5)

Fanta

Have you ever seen a can of Fanta? They’re amazing! Just look at it! So round, and yet straight edged, tapered at the top AND the bottom, complete with a ring pull to open it with! Wow! The marvels of modern technology perfectly illustrated by this beautifully lit, imaginatively framed photo of a beverage that we as a race surely don’t stop to appreciate enough. So whoever posted this, thank you.

Number 6)

Sandwich

The immortal sandwich. The food preparation concept that has survived the test of time. The magnificent combination of bread, spread and filling. The juxtaposition of the benchmark against which all good things are measured and the inexhaustible options to fill the space between the slices, ranging from humble cheddar cheese to more extravagant fillings, maybe quail eggs and caviar or lobster. The sandwich spans the times, tables and social classes of any society. What better to honour this timeless classic than a photo demonstrating not only one of the most popular cutting styles but also a two-colour plinth as the platform for this great icon of the ages? A beige border just highlights the emotive nature of the meal. This photo is truly what the creators of Instagram were dreaming of.

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About Mark Dolan

Hello there, I'm Mark, a 21 year old English archaeology student. I write about various things; archaeology, musings on my life, and various bits of society that I have something to say about.

2 responses to “Sandwiches and Vanity”

  1. Matt says :

    Nice. And I won’t bother getting you that thesaurus for Christmas then.

    Like

  2. El Guapo says :

    It’s the internet. What else did people think would be done with it?

    Like

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